The Manipulator — a poem

Years of the subtle,
And the unsubtle,
Insisting I was shallow
Insisting I was lying,
That my emotions were dangerous
And our relationship, dying.
Down to my lack
Of ease, of having needs,
My eagerness to please,
A broken child,
A woman on my knees,
To give you her body
And mouth for the tease,
Hands hitting tables
Covering you ears
When you’re angry
When you’re unable
To regulate yourself,
While screaming I’m
Not listening
That I’m to blame,
So I believe it — sort of
Sometimes,
Then didn’t. Pushed back
Into torment
While wincing, internalising,
As you called me
Avoidant. Blinking.
Ready to work on it,
Ready to be wrong,
I’d be ready to love you,
To be our strong -
Strong for us both
Stronger for me.
I’d pick up the knives
That you threw at my feet,
Placing them back
Neatly, into drawers,
Overflowing already
Getting harder to close,
They’d jingle inside me
Stainless steel applause.

And I’d hear that sound often
As your hands touched my face
Or your messages turned
To sex when you noticed
Any change.
As your questions
Became paltry,
And your responses, inane
Talking about how I reminded
You of a parasite from a game.
I bathed in your waters
Calling for the waves,
Waiting for the depth
Of the loving you gave.
My feet scraping bedrock,
Pushing my heels in,
Realising, finally
It wasn’t an ocean I was in.
I’d sat naked in a puddle,
Mopping knees with a trickle,
While you stood above me
Telling me I wasn’t vulnerable.
Your projection,
Ammunition
Of an avoidants’ view.
A warped version of me
You were forcing me into.
Your perspective,
Your enemy,
Your blocker to love,
A hinged, bolted door
A broken-necked dove.
So much we could
Follow
So many stories to
Tell
But I’ve grown thirsty
Pulling against a dried well.
There’s no closure from us
No grand, great escape
Each of us has
A share of the blame to take.
But I’m back in my ocean
Swimming along
Happily,
Waiting for someone
Who enjoys my complexity,
Who’s excited by my company
Validated by my interest,
Excited to love me.

They take my poems
And are able to read them,
They take my gifts
And are able to see them.